This one is a little rant-ish...
I really try not to complain too much. I mean, I live in a big house, I have a great husband who's always home when I need him and I have two kids that for the most part get along and are best friends.
But really, isn't it all relative? I like to point out that there's always someone worse off than you. I suppose there's one guy, somewhere, who has it the worst but it certainly isn't me. But does that diminish my own hard times? I hate when I feel guilty for admitting that sometimes, only sometimes, I just don't like my life.
Like the weeks when I am up every few hours adjusting blood sugars because my T1D daughter won't wake up on her own and she's going through a growth spurt or hormone adjustment and now her insulin settings are all off.
Or how about waking my son up at midnight to take a pill because it has to be on an empty stomach 30 minutes before and 2 hours after, and let's face it the only time a 7 year old boy goes 3 hours without food is when he's asleep.
I have a new business that I have absolutely no idea how to get off the ground. I've done everything short of give away free vacations and no bites - not even free estimates! What happened to the 8 years I spent in business school?
I've been fired from the one volunteer job I'm completely excited to do because I don't write flowery emails, I'm straight and to the point, which is apparently unacceptable.
But, as I said, I live in a big house with a great family, so my problems don't count right? I mean it's not like I'm in Nepal where the power doesn't work most of the time and if you burn dinner there's no Wendy's down the street to run to.
I guess what I"m trying to say is - if you have a problem, even a first world problem - I'll listen because just because you aren't starving in a hovel somewhere doesn't mean your frustrations don't count.
Rant over.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Tuesday, February 10, 2015
February
February has so many themes!
According to the all knowing internet, February is:
But there are others too!
National Potato Lovers Month, I could get in on that one, I love potatoes in just about every shape and size, cooked 1000 different ways!
National Pet Dental Health Month, because I guess if you don't have a Valentine, you're getting up close with your pet a lot and breath matters.
National Children's Dental Health Month, because everyone sets a resolution to get those kids to brush, but forgets by February?
National Gum Disease Awareness Month, man, the dentists are busy this month!
National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, I would think all dating violence is important to be aware of, but maybe that's just me.
Missouri Earthquake Awareness Month, I didn't even know they HAD earthquakes in Missouri, so I guess I needed this one.
And let's not forget National Condom Month, probably for the desperate Valentine's hookups when you forgot Pet Dental Health Month.
But not every cause gets a whole month. Some get a week: World Salt Awareness Week, Burn Awareness Week, Random Acts of Kindness Week, and National Eating Disorders Week (for those post V-Day binge & purges).
And of course there are days. Give kids a smile day (probably hand in hand with kids' dental health), National Condom Awareness Day (just happens to be the 14th, just sayin'), and Love your Pet day.
Now, I have a heart shaped fake flower wreath on my door for Valentines day. Maybe I should hang some condom wrapped potatoes and toothbrushes off of it...
According to the all knowing internet, February is:
American Heart Month
Black History Month
LBGT History Month
Cervical Cancer Awareness Month
But there are others too!
National Potato Lovers Month, I could get in on that one, I love potatoes in just about every shape and size, cooked 1000 different ways!
National Pet Dental Health Month, because I guess if you don't have a Valentine, you're getting up close with your pet a lot and breath matters.
National Children's Dental Health Month, because everyone sets a resolution to get those kids to brush, but forgets by February?
National Gum Disease Awareness Month, man, the dentists are busy this month!
National Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, I would think all dating violence is important to be aware of, but maybe that's just me.
Missouri Earthquake Awareness Month, I didn't even know they HAD earthquakes in Missouri, so I guess I needed this one.
And let's not forget National Condom Month, probably for the desperate Valentine's hookups when you forgot Pet Dental Health Month.
But not every cause gets a whole month. Some get a week: World Salt Awareness Week, Burn Awareness Week, Random Acts of Kindness Week, and National Eating Disorders Week (for those post V-Day binge & purges).
And of course there are days. Give kids a smile day (probably hand in hand with kids' dental health), National Condom Awareness Day (just happens to be the 14th, just sayin'), and Love your Pet day.
Now, I have a heart shaped fake flower wreath on my door for Valentines day. Maybe I should hang some condom wrapped potatoes and toothbrushes off of it...
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
RE jected
Struggling with rejection lately because Jeremy wants nothing to do with me. He and I have always been connected and now I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. He barely looks up when I come in the room, he won't talk or acknowledge me, he doesn't even give me a hug. I can't stand it, it breaks my heart. Everyone says he's not doing it on purpose, but if you stomp on someone's foot it still hurts, even if it's not on purpose.
The problem is, the more rejected I feel, the more I want to withdraw so I don't get hurt more. That's the opposite of what I need to do. But it's like in karate, when you know your partner is planning a kick, you don't want to go walking into it.
Maybe it will pass, on his side or on mine, but this too shall pass.
The problem is, the more rejected I feel, the more I want to withdraw so I don't get hurt more. That's the opposite of what I need to do. But it's like in karate, when you know your partner is planning a kick, you don't want to go walking into it.
Maybe it will pass, on his side or on mine, but this too shall pass.
Saturday, April 12, 2014
We will win
Jeremy woke up today and said, "In my dream I saw a ladybug and she was dead. Then another ladybug came out of her shell brand new."
I think it's a prophesy for his eventual recovery!
I think it's a prophesy for his eventual recovery!
Cancer
My baby has cancer.
Four words no mom ever wants to say. My baby has cancer.
13 days ago my son Jeremy started coughing. Not out of the ordinary, seeing as how he's 6, he picks colds like I pick up socks and it was almost April, which puts us in the height of allergy season. So, I got out the Flovent and the Ventolin and I kept saying "I'll call the allergist tomorrow". I never did.
On April 5th he couldn't sleep through the night. He was screaming in pain, he was a little gray, and we decided I should take him to the ER. They took an xray and decided he was extremely constipated, and sent him home to take miralax and this too shall pass. There was a shadow on his lung, which she dismissed as a viral thing, and she noticed a heart murmur, which she dismissed as normal under the circumstances. I trust doctors, they go to school for this, so I took him home.
On April 7th he still couldn't sleep through the night, this time we went to the pediatrician. He ordered a chest xray saying it couldn't be pneumonia because he didn't have a fever, but better be safe than sorry. This xray showed significant lung problems and an enlarged heart. Back to the pediatrician, who referred us to the Pediatric Cardiologist. I wish I could say that was the scariest profession I had ever met.
On April 11th we went to the Pediatric Cardiologist, who did an ultrasound on site. They found a "mysterious mass" in Jeremy's chest. So many things go through your head as you drive your baby to the hospital. Way in the back, pushed down is the word cancer. Traffic is a bear, but we don't dare deviate from what the GPS says because we've never been to this hospital before. The on call Cardiologist meets us at the door, I've never seen a doctor waiting for a patient before. 4 nurses are waiting for us too. He says he's going to be involved, but he's basically handing us off to the ICU doctor because this is no longer a heart problem.
Next came a battery of tests, blood work, CT, machines and wires and tubes. All on a kid who is sick of the doctor, sick of medicine and just plain sick.
A man walks in to the room, soft spoken but tall. Immediately I know who this is. This is the Pediatric Oncologist. Oncologist. The word echoes in my head like a cannon. He takes us into another room and gives us the worst news we have ever been given. Jeremy has cancer. April 11, 2014 - the day Jeremy has cancer. There's a large mass in his chest, a lymphoma, a tumor. It's pushing on his heart and lungs. It's compromised his airway and part of his superior vena cava, the big blood vessel to his heart. It's not the kind you operate on, its the kind you poison slowly. Only, they can't start the chemo until they biopsy it and they can't biopsy it because to sedate him would be fatal. So we have to try to shrink it with steroids, then hope it gets small enough to stop sitting on his airway, so they can biopsy it and put in a central line for the chemo.
He'll be in the hospital for a month, treatment comes in waves, with the first six months being the hardest.
He will not finish kindergarten with his class, he'll be lucky to start first grade with his friends.
He is six years old, about to face a literal fight for his life.
My baby has cancer.
Four words no mom ever wants to say. My baby has cancer.
13 days ago my son Jeremy started coughing. Not out of the ordinary, seeing as how he's 6, he picks colds like I pick up socks and it was almost April, which puts us in the height of allergy season. So, I got out the Flovent and the Ventolin and I kept saying "I'll call the allergist tomorrow". I never did.
On April 5th he couldn't sleep through the night. He was screaming in pain, he was a little gray, and we decided I should take him to the ER. They took an xray and decided he was extremely constipated, and sent him home to take miralax and this too shall pass. There was a shadow on his lung, which she dismissed as a viral thing, and she noticed a heart murmur, which she dismissed as normal under the circumstances. I trust doctors, they go to school for this, so I took him home.
On April 7th he still couldn't sleep through the night, this time we went to the pediatrician. He ordered a chest xray saying it couldn't be pneumonia because he didn't have a fever, but better be safe than sorry. This xray showed significant lung problems and an enlarged heart. Back to the pediatrician, who referred us to the Pediatric Cardiologist. I wish I could say that was the scariest profession I had ever met.
On April 11th we went to the Pediatric Cardiologist, who did an ultrasound on site. They found a "mysterious mass" in Jeremy's chest. So many things go through your head as you drive your baby to the hospital. Way in the back, pushed down is the word cancer. Traffic is a bear, but we don't dare deviate from what the GPS says because we've never been to this hospital before. The on call Cardiologist meets us at the door, I've never seen a doctor waiting for a patient before. 4 nurses are waiting for us too. He says he's going to be involved, but he's basically handing us off to the ICU doctor because this is no longer a heart problem.
Next came a battery of tests, blood work, CT, machines and wires and tubes. All on a kid who is sick of the doctor, sick of medicine and just plain sick.
A man walks in to the room, soft spoken but tall. Immediately I know who this is. This is the Pediatric Oncologist. Oncologist. The word echoes in my head like a cannon. He takes us into another room and gives us the worst news we have ever been given. Jeremy has cancer. April 11, 2014 - the day Jeremy has cancer. There's a large mass in his chest, a lymphoma, a tumor. It's pushing on his heart and lungs. It's compromised his airway and part of his superior vena cava, the big blood vessel to his heart. It's not the kind you operate on, its the kind you poison slowly. Only, they can't start the chemo until they biopsy it and they can't biopsy it because to sedate him would be fatal. So we have to try to shrink it with steroids, then hope it gets small enough to stop sitting on his airway, so they can biopsy it and put in a central line for the chemo.
He'll be in the hospital for a month, treatment comes in waves, with the first six months being the hardest.
He will not finish kindergarten with his class, he'll be lucky to start first grade with his friends.
He is six years old, about to face a literal fight for his life.
My baby has cancer.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Waiting...
It's 10 pm on a school night. I should be going to bed but instead I'm up with my entire family, waiting on two important things.
1. Natalie's blood glucose is 55 and falling. Some malfunction in the machine that delivers life saving and life threatening medicine caused her to get too much insulin and now we're spoon feeding her frosting to get it to come back up.
2. Jeremy has a terrible asthma attack and every time he lays flat it hurts his lungs and he starts wheezing and coughing.
So we wait, for the sugar to come up and the lungs to calm down.
I love my life.
1. Natalie's blood glucose is 55 and falling. Some malfunction in the machine that delivers life saving and life threatening medicine caused her to get too much insulin and now we're spoon feeding her frosting to get it to come back up.
2. Jeremy has a terrible asthma attack and every time he lays flat it hurts his lungs and he starts wheezing and coughing.
So we wait, for the sugar to come up and the lungs to calm down.
I love my life.
Monday, January 27, 2014
BEEEEP
My world is controlled by a series of beeps.
It starts at 7am beepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Time to wake up. I'd love to say I bounce out of bed, and some days I do, but most days it's a drag.
After I am dressed, I drag myself down the hall to the kids' rooms - time for the wake up with mom show. "Good morning Griffin children! It's a beautiful school day, up and at 'em!" Jeremy bounces up with a smile, Natalie is more a groan.
Downstairs where the phone is beeping it's good morning - emails, texts, missed calls - I'm not real reliable on my cell phone. Beep beep beep
Toaster oven, microwave, even the stove makes a little tick tick tick as I make breakfast. Pop into the laundry room where the machines sing a little song when I turn them on and when they're done. beep beep beep
Kids are downstairs now, and Natalie's various diabetes machines are beeping at her to eat, put in insulin, change something, updates...beep beep beep.
The phone rings - some recording "to confirm your appointment at 1:00 press one" beep.
Finally after a day of beeps it's time to sleep - but here's the kicker. Natalie doesn't wake up when the glucose monitor, you guessed it, beeps in the middle of the night. Now it lives in my room overnight. Remember when you had a baby and they cried three times a night to be checked? Now imagine it's a robot baby who beep beep beeps. Down the hall, check sugar beep, give insulin beep, back to beep, I mean sleep.
It starts at 7am beepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Time to wake up. I'd love to say I bounce out of bed, and some days I do, but most days it's a drag.
After I am dressed, I drag myself down the hall to the kids' rooms - time for the wake up with mom show. "Good morning Griffin children! It's a beautiful school day, up and at 'em!" Jeremy bounces up with a smile, Natalie is more a groan.
Downstairs where the phone is beeping it's good morning - emails, texts, missed calls - I'm not real reliable on my cell phone. Beep beep beep
Toaster oven, microwave, even the stove makes a little tick tick tick as I make breakfast. Pop into the laundry room where the machines sing a little song when I turn them on and when they're done. beep beep beep
Kids are downstairs now, and Natalie's various diabetes machines are beeping at her to eat, put in insulin, change something, updates...beep beep beep.
The phone rings - some recording "to confirm your appointment at 1:00 press one" beep.
Finally after a day of beeps it's time to sleep - but here's the kicker. Natalie doesn't wake up when the glucose monitor, you guessed it, beeps in the middle of the night. Now it lives in my room overnight. Remember when you had a baby and they cried three times a night to be checked? Now imagine it's a robot baby who beep beep beeps. Down the hall, check sugar beep, give insulin beep, back to beep, I mean sleep.
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