Struggling with rejection lately because Jeremy wants nothing to do with me. He and I have always been connected and now I feel like he wants nothing to do with me. He barely looks up when I come in the room, he won't talk or acknowledge me, he doesn't even give me a hug. I can't stand it, it breaks my heart. Everyone says he's not doing it on purpose, but if you stomp on someone's foot it still hurts, even if it's not on purpose.
The problem is, the more rejected I feel, the more I want to withdraw so I don't get hurt more. That's the opposite of what I need to do. But it's like in karate, when you know your partner is planning a kick, you don't want to go walking into it.
Maybe it will pass, on his side or on mine, but this too shall pass.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Saturday, April 12, 2014
We will win
Jeremy woke up today and said, "In my dream I saw a ladybug and she was dead. Then another ladybug came out of her shell brand new."
I think it's a prophesy for his eventual recovery!
I think it's a prophesy for his eventual recovery!
Cancer
My baby has cancer.
Four words no mom ever wants to say. My baby has cancer.
13 days ago my son Jeremy started coughing. Not out of the ordinary, seeing as how he's 6, he picks colds like I pick up socks and it was almost April, which puts us in the height of allergy season. So, I got out the Flovent and the Ventolin and I kept saying "I'll call the allergist tomorrow". I never did.
On April 5th he couldn't sleep through the night. He was screaming in pain, he was a little gray, and we decided I should take him to the ER. They took an xray and decided he was extremely constipated, and sent him home to take miralax and this too shall pass. There was a shadow on his lung, which she dismissed as a viral thing, and she noticed a heart murmur, which she dismissed as normal under the circumstances. I trust doctors, they go to school for this, so I took him home.
On April 7th he still couldn't sleep through the night, this time we went to the pediatrician. He ordered a chest xray saying it couldn't be pneumonia because he didn't have a fever, but better be safe than sorry. This xray showed significant lung problems and an enlarged heart. Back to the pediatrician, who referred us to the Pediatric Cardiologist. I wish I could say that was the scariest profession I had ever met.
On April 11th we went to the Pediatric Cardiologist, who did an ultrasound on site. They found a "mysterious mass" in Jeremy's chest. So many things go through your head as you drive your baby to the hospital. Way in the back, pushed down is the word cancer. Traffic is a bear, but we don't dare deviate from what the GPS says because we've never been to this hospital before. The on call Cardiologist meets us at the door, I've never seen a doctor waiting for a patient before. 4 nurses are waiting for us too. He says he's going to be involved, but he's basically handing us off to the ICU doctor because this is no longer a heart problem.
Next came a battery of tests, blood work, CT, machines and wires and tubes. All on a kid who is sick of the doctor, sick of medicine and just plain sick.
A man walks in to the room, soft spoken but tall. Immediately I know who this is. This is the Pediatric Oncologist. Oncologist. The word echoes in my head like a cannon. He takes us into another room and gives us the worst news we have ever been given. Jeremy has cancer. April 11, 2014 - the day Jeremy has cancer. There's a large mass in his chest, a lymphoma, a tumor. It's pushing on his heart and lungs. It's compromised his airway and part of his superior vena cava, the big blood vessel to his heart. It's not the kind you operate on, its the kind you poison slowly. Only, they can't start the chemo until they biopsy it and they can't biopsy it because to sedate him would be fatal. So we have to try to shrink it with steroids, then hope it gets small enough to stop sitting on his airway, so they can biopsy it and put in a central line for the chemo.
He'll be in the hospital for a month, treatment comes in waves, with the first six months being the hardest.
He will not finish kindergarten with his class, he'll be lucky to start first grade with his friends.
He is six years old, about to face a literal fight for his life.
My baby has cancer.
Four words no mom ever wants to say. My baby has cancer.
13 days ago my son Jeremy started coughing. Not out of the ordinary, seeing as how he's 6, he picks colds like I pick up socks and it was almost April, which puts us in the height of allergy season. So, I got out the Flovent and the Ventolin and I kept saying "I'll call the allergist tomorrow". I never did.
On April 5th he couldn't sleep through the night. He was screaming in pain, he was a little gray, and we decided I should take him to the ER. They took an xray and decided he was extremely constipated, and sent him home to take miralax and this too shall pass. There was a shadow on his lung, which she dismissed as a viral thing, and she noticed a heart murmur, which she dismissed as normal under the circumstances. I trust doctors, they go to school for this, so I took him home.
On April 7th he still couldn't sleep through the night, this time we went to the pediatrician. He ordered a chest xray saying it couldn't be pneumonia because he didn't have a fever, but better be safe than sorry. This xray showed significant lung problems and an enlarged heart. Back to the pediatrician, who referred us to the Pediatric Cardiologist. I wish I could say that was the scariest profession I had ever met.
On April 11th we went to the Pediatric Cardiologist, who did an ultrasound on site. They found a "mysterious mass" in Jeremy's chest. So many things go through your head as you drive your baby to the hospital. Way in the back, pushed down is the word cancer. Traffic is a bear, but we don't dare deviate from what the GPS says because we've never been to this hospital before. The on call Cardiologist meets us at the door, I've never seen a doctor waiting for a patient before. 4 nurses are waiting for us too. He says he's going to be involved, but he's basically handing us off to the ICU doctor because this is no longer a heart problem.
Next came a battery of tests, blood work, CT, machines and wires and tubes. All on a kid who is sick of the doctor, sick of medicine and just plain sick.
A man walks in to the room, soft spoken but tall. Immediately I know who this is. This is the Pediatric Oncologist. Oncologist. The word echoes in my head like a cannon. He takes us into another room and gives us the worst news we have ever been given. Jeremy has cancer. April 11, 2014 - the day Jeremy has cancer. There's a large mass in his chest, a lymphoma, a tumor. It's pushing on his heart and lungs. It's compromised his airway and part of his superior vena cava, the big blood vessel to his heart. It's not the kind you operate on, its the kind you poison slowly. Only, they can't start the chemo until they biopsy it and they can't biopsy it because to sedate him would be fatal. So we have to try to shrink it with steroids, then hope it gets small enough to stop sitting on his airway, so they can biopsy it and put in a central line for the chemo.
He'll be in the hospital for a month, treatment comes in waves, with the first six months being the hardest.
He will not finish kindergarten with his class, he'll be lucky to start first grade with his friends.
He is six years old, about to face a literal fight for his life.
My baby has cancer.
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Waiting...
It's 10 pm on a school night. I should be going to bed but instead I'm up with my entire family, waiting on two important things.
1. Natalie's blood glucose is 55 and falling. Some malfunction in the machine that delivers life saving and life threatening medicine caused her to get too much insulin and now we're spoon feeding her frosting to get it to come back up.
2. Jeremy has a terrible asthma attack and every time he lays flat it hurts his lungs and he starts wheezing and coughing.
So we wait, for the sugar to come up and the lungs to calm down.
I love my life.
1. Natalie's blood glucose is 55 and falling. Some malfunction in the machine that delivers life saving and life threatening medicine caused her to get too much insulin and now we're spoon feeding her frosting to get it to come back up.
2. Jeremy has a terrible asthma attack and every time he lays flat it hurts his lungs and he starts wheezing and coughing.
So we wait, for the sugar to come up and the lungs to calm down.
I love my life.
Monday, January 27, 2014
BEEEEP
My world is controlled by a series of beeps.
It starts at 7am beepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Time to wake up. I'd love to say I bounce out of bed, and some days I do, but most days it's a drag.
After I am dressed, I drag myself down the hall to the kids' rooms - time for the wake up with mom show. "Good morning Griffin children! It's a beautiful school day, up and at 'em!" Jeremy bounces up with a smile, Natalie is more a groan.
Downstairs where the phone is beeping it's good morning - emails, texts, missed calls - I'm not real reliable on my cell phone. Beep beep beep
Toaster oven, microwave, even the stove makes a little tick tick tick as I make breakfast. Pop into the laundry room where the machines sing a little song when I turn them on and when they're done. beep beep beep
Kids are downstairs now, and Natalie's various diabetes machines are beeping at her to eat, put in insulin, change something, updates...beep beep beep.
The phone rings - some recording "to confirm your appointment at 1:00 press one" beep.
Finally after a day of beeps it's time to sleep - but here's the kicker. Natalie doesn't wake up when the glucose monitor, you guessed it, beeps in the middle of the night. Now it lives in my room overnight. Remember when you had a baby and they cried three times a night to be checked? Now imagine it's a robot baby who beep beep beeps. Down the hall, check sugar beep, give insulin beep, back to beep, I mean sleep.
It starts at 7am beepbeep beepbeep beepbeepbeepbeep beepbeepbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Time to wake up. I'd love to say I bounce out of bed, and some days I do, but most days it's a drag.
After I am dressed, I drag myself down the hall to the kids' rooms - time for the wake up with mom show. "Good morning Griffin children! It's a beautiful school day, up and at 'em!" Jeremy bounces up with a smile, Natalie is more a groan.
Downstairs where the phone is beeping it's good morning - emails, texts, missed calls - I'm not real reliable on my cell phone. Beep beep beep
Toaster oven, microwave, even the stove makes a little tick tick tick as I make breakfast. Pop into the laundry room where the machines sing a little song when I turn them on and when they're done. beep beep beep
Kids are downstairs now, and Natalie's various diabetes machines are beeping at her to eat, put in insulin, change something, updates...beep beep beep.
The phone rings - some recording "to confirm your appointment at 1:00 press one" beep.
Finally after a day of beeps it's time to sleep - but here's the kicker. Natalie doesn't wake up when the glucose monitor, you guessed it, beeps in the middle of the night. Now it lives in my room overnight. Remember when you had a baby and they cried three times a night to be checked? Now imagine it's a robot baby who beep beep beeps. Down the hall, check sugar beep, give insulin beep, back to beep, I mean sleep.
Sunday, November 17, 2013
Black Thursday?
So I've seen a lot about Black Friday lately and I had to put in my two cents.
Black Friday is a phrase coined in the 60's for when retailers went from being in the red to being in the black - profits-wise. But the idea of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving is actually from around 1924 when the Macy's parade started to kick off the holiday season.
Yes, there are deals to be had online and yes, it starts earlier every year. But, I wanted to look at some of the posts I've seen:
1. I'd rather spend the time with my family. I do spend the time with my family. When I go shopping on Black Friday I do it with my mother, sister(s), sister in law, and daughter. As my nieces grow, they will come too. We keep each other warm in line, we laugh and joke, we help pick out what the others' kids will like, we wait in line together and catch up in an environment where there's no food to dish out, no dishes to clean, and no football.
2. Oh, the poor people who have to work that day. I have been on the other side of the register at 5am. The people who work that day are there for two reasons: A. If they weren't there it would be an unpaid day off - and people who work retail need every paid day they can get. B. A discount at Target over the holidays is a BIG advantage.
3. Thanksgiving isn't even over yet! First, unless you live under a rock from Halloween to Christmas, you'll know that not many people care about thanksgiving anymore. That's a whole other blog post, but come on! Second, I don't know about your family, but our tradition puts Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00, meaning even with the slower pace of a holiday meal, by 5:00 we're done - dishes back in the china hutch, pies picked over, turkey salad made... all that's left is the turkey coma and shopping replaces that with exercise.
4. The deals aren't that great - it's just a ploy to get you to spend more. God forbid a retailer try to make you spend money in their store! Call the cops it's rampant capitalism!! Ok, joking aside, of course there are some deals out there that aren't great when you look at them closer and yes they are trying to get you to spend more. But, that's where research and common sense come in. Look at a price - would you pay that for an item normally? Would you pay more? Is it something you've been wanting to get anyway? If you buy for the sake of buying you will get screwed. But savvy shoppers can get awesome deals and have some fun too.
5. What about the crazy people? I don't want to get trampled. OK, there are two options here (well three if you count just stay home). You can stay calm, stick to the edges of the crowd, say please and thank you and excuse me and be willing to maybe miss out on the loss leader sale. Or you can become one of them and run like a madwoman towards that must have toy in the back using your elbows to clear a path (why do you think I've been in Karate for a month?) :)
P.S. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO WALMART AS THEY OPEN THEIR DOORS - THAT IS CRAZY AND COULD GET YOU KILLED
Anyway - as I see it, Black Thursday/Friday is a treasured tradition that has hit its peak. It will eventually fall back into obscurity, shut down or reduced by the Amazon crowd. So, whether you shop on line or in line - just shop and help our economy grow.
Black Friday is a phrase coined in the 60's for when retailers went from being in the red to being in the black - profits-wise. But the idea of shopping on the day after Thanksgiving is actually from around 1924 when the Macy's parade started to kick off the holiday season.
Yes, there are deals to be had online and yes, it starts earlier every year. But, I wanted to look at some of the posts I've seen:
1. I'd rather spend the time with my family. I do spend the time with my family. When I go shopping on Black Friday I do it with my mother, sister(s), sister in law, and daughter. As my nieces grow, they will come too. We keep each other warm in line, we laugh and joke, we help pick out what the others' kids will like, we wait in line together and catch up in an environment where there's no food to dish out, no dishes to clean, and no football.
2. Oh, the poor people who have to work that day. I have been on the other side of the register at 5am. The people who work that day are there for two reasons: A. If they weren't there it would be an unpaid day off - and people who work retail need every paid day they can get. B. A discount at Target over the holidays is a BIG advantage.
3. Thanksgiving isn't even over yet! First, unless you live under a rock from Halloween to Christmas, you'll know that not many people care about thanksgiving anymore. That's a whole other blog post, but come on! Second, I don't know about your family, but our tradition puts Thanksgiving dinner at 2:00, meaning even with the slower pace of a holiday meal, by 5:00 we're done - dishes back in the china hutch, pies picked over, turkey salad made... all that's left is the turkey coma and shopping replaces that with exercise.
4. The deals aren't that great - it's just a ploy to get you to spend more. God forbid a retailer try to make you spend money in their store! Call the cops it's rampant capitalism!! Ok, joking aside, of course there are some deals out there that aren't great when you look at them closer and yes they are trying to get you to spend more. But, that's where research and common sense come in. Look at a price - would you pay that for an item normally? Would you pay more? Is it something you've been wanting to get anyway? If you buy for the sake of buying you will get screwed. But savvy shoppers can get awesome deals and have some fun too.
5. What about the crazy people? I don't want to get trampled. OK, there are two options here (well three if you count just stay home). You can stay calm, stick to the edges of the crowd, say please and thank you and excuse me and be willing to maybe miss out on the loss leader sale. Or you can become one of them and run like a madwoman towards that must have toy in the back using your elbows to clear a path (why do you think I've been in Karate for a month?) :)
P.S. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES GO TO WALMART AS THEY OPEN THEIR DOORS - THAT IS CRAZY AND COULD GET YOU KILLED
Anyway - as I see it, Black Thursday/Friday is a treasured tradition that has hit its peak. It will eventually fall back into obscurity, shut down or reduced by the Amazon crowd. So, whether you shop on line or in line - just shop and help our economy grow.
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
Tuesday
Everything flies around in a whirl,
I try to hold on, I try not to hurl.
Breakfast and lunch, laundry and dishes
There ain’t no time for dreams and wishes!
There’s dinner to make and torn dresses to mend
Bible study, PTO, playdates with friends.
Then homework and Girl Scouts, Karate and life.
Don’t forget to smile and be a good wife.
Be pretty and thin, congenial and happy
Don’t expect flowers or cards that are sappy.
Can’t run out of milk, or cereal or cheese
Remind everyone to say thank you and please.
Be up to date on all the math rules
And teach all the stuff they can’t learn in school.
Like life isn’t fair, not everyone wins
And most time life isn’t giggles and grins.
Take 30 seconds and write it all down,
Make it all rhyme so it won’t make people frown.
Now that it’s out get on with your day!
The living room’s a mess and you have the dentist today!
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