Jeremy

My son has night terrors.  Tonight he came out of his room screaming and running at 9:00.  He was talking nonsense words because he was still asleep, so I have no idea what happened.  I did comfort him eventually, but he was still crying.  We put him back to bed, and back to sleep.

What is a mom supposed to do when she can't fix what is broken.  This has been going on for 2 years!  He has a sleep study scheduled, but not until the end of April. 

He also refuses to use the toilet to poop.  Why, I have no idea, but he thinks he can't do it.  He keeps promising, I just don't believe him.  He says tomorrow, when we run out of pullups...we'll see.

Moms

I've heard working moms call stay at home moms lazy, I've heard stay at home moms call working moms bad parents for letting someone else raise their kids.

First of all, all moms work, inside or outside the home, we do a majority of the work in the world and I challenge any working husband to walk a week in our shoes - preferably with a 2" heel.

But let's look for a minute at some differences:
Working moms claim they clean too, but they don't have to clean up after their 4 year old who just spread his toys across the "car lot".  No, all those messes are made at the daycare. 

Working moms claim they do the laundry too, but most send their work clothes, and their husband's clothes to the cleaners.  If you cut my laundry in half it would be no problem either.

Working moms claim they go grocery shopping too, but how often do they stop on the way home instead of going with 2 screaming toddlers in the middle of the day with the old ladies in the aisles?

Stay at home moms get to see all of the milestones, working moms have to hear the report from the babysitter.

Stay at home moms get to play with their kids at the park, working moms come home after dark and put kids to bed.

Stay at home moms get to volunteer at school weekly - or more, working moms have to beg to get off for the school play.

Neither job is easy, but stay at home moms don't sit around watching TV and eating bonbons, nor do we clean in heels and pearls.  Working moms don't get everything done for them by a magic fairy, nor are they bad moms for providing for their family.

As a stay at home mom, sometimes I wish for a job to "take me away" from the chaos.  Then my kid hugs me and says I love you and that's gone.  When I was a working mom it was so hard to leave my baby at home with a sitter, or even my work from home husband.  Then I would see her face when I came home, and I knew it was all worth it to provide for that little one.

I've seen both sides of the arguement, and I don't know who's right.  I only know we women have been taught to do whats right to support our family and no matter where that is, we'll do it.

Fast day.....21!!!!

Wow! I've made it.  I survived 21 days of no food, I held out over temptation so many times, and I made it through for the sake of my family.

I broke my fast at 5:15 - sundown.  I broke it with 3 samoas.  They didn't even taste that good.  We're going to go out to dinner tonight, where I will order a big juicy cheeseburger with the salad bar on the side. 

Fast day 20!!!

Tomorrow is the last day.  Today Mom was waving Samoas in my face, and I held firm.  We went to Wendy's and I held firm. 

Last night we were caught in traffic and with nothing in my stomach I got SOOO sick.  So I went ahead and ate 2 small pieces of bread at dinner, no butter, and it helped immensly. 

Today we went shopping, to see Kelly, and I cleaned out my closet - 8 bags.  I got rid of all the bedding from our queen bed so that I could see what I have for the king.  Its not much.  Plus I hung (well Mike and I hung) some decorative candle holders in our room. 

I'm really trying to begin customizing our home.  I know, we've been here 8 years in November, but I was almost afraid to paint or hang too many things like it's still a rental.  But I've now put some stick on designs on the wall, changed out our bookcases to good ones, we bought Natalie some decorations for her room, and promised Jeremy we would do his in the summer. 

Next fall I'm tackling the kitchen.  I'll have to put wallpaper on wallpaper, but that's been done.  And we need a new stove, which means a new microwave and if we go black like I want, a new fridge.  I'm hoping for the french doors with the freezer below.

OK, this has nothing to do with fasting, but I'm going along fine and tomorrow is the LAST DAY!!!

Fast Day 17

I missed yesterday because we were shopping for new cars.  I was actually a little frustrated and it was caused by the fast.  My brain is slowing down.  It just won't work.  I have two degrees in business and I couldn't understand what Mike was saying about the lease and down payments, I couldn't concentrate on choosing a car.  I had to count my GS cookies 4 times to figure things out.   

Thank God I had Mike there to temper my impulses, or I may have bought the wrong car. 

However, I am starting to see some progress on our marriage.  The counselor encouraged us to just let go and start over, as if we just got married a week ago.  As a result, both of us are trying harder and we can see the difference.  We haven't had a fight in a week, and I don't feel like I'm sacrificing myself for it.

The fact that we are happier makes the kids happier.  They still have their fights, all kids will.  But they are doing better.

Both of them are concerning me though.  Jeremy seems to have a hearing problem, and has to go to a audiologist.  Mrs. Brown says he doesn't show signs, but I see them.  And he has a sleep study scheduled to watch his breathing.  Do they even make baby CPAPs?

Natalie stresses out SO much over homework.  I know no kid likes homework, but if she's like this in second grade, what will High School be like?  And going to the nurse is causing her to miss class but she's not allowed to enter carbs on her own in the classroom.  Her grades are dropping.  I just don't know...we could really use that cure for diabetes.  She wanted to fast with me, to support me and pray for a cure too.  I was so touched, but told her she could maybe do one day, but she couldn't do more than that because her sugar would drop.  I told her she could fast from something else - I suggested TV, or restaurant food.  She volunteered to fast from school.  :) 

Right now I'm up at 3:30 again because whenever I lay down I start coughing and it keeps me up.  It's fading slowly but I would be getting better faster without the fast. 

Today I have an independant session with Dr. Arellano, the therapist.  I know Mike and I are getting along better, but I want to figure out why it is that I always hear the negative when people say something about me and why I tend towards hoarding. 

I've been preparing for Mike's surprise.  As we get closer, I'm worried I won't pull it off. For one thing, Kelly can't pick Natalie up at the right time, so I have to stay home until 4, meaning I won't make it to the meeting point until almost 5.  If I know Mike he'll want to leave as soon as he gets the address.  I've been working on coordinating someone who can take her to the cookie cupboard.

Fast day 16

We were discussing the calendar today and I said "on the 30th I can eat again!"  Mike was unimpressed, but really, I made it 16 days with no food except 4 tortillas (an experiment that didn't work) and 4 saltines (which did work) last night. 

I was still up late last night again, with my cough. The Robitussin worked, but as soon as I woke up I was coughing again.

Fast day 15

So, last night I was up all night coughing and wheezing, no sleep for me.  I was going to sleep in the morning, but then I thought that would mess up my whole system and decided to push through.

I did take the cough syrup that said "don't take with certain meds," because I was desperate.  But I called the pharmacy and they assured me it was fine.  So tonight I'll take it again and hopefully sleep.

Jeremy isn't eating his toaster strudel, and I really want to finish it...

I did develop two new smoothies - Chocolate banana and Strawberry banana.  I blend a banana, milk, ice and syrup in my magic bullet and voila! instant shake.

I made homemade from scratch waffles for dinner.  I made one for Jeremy, two for Natalie and then one for me.  Just as natural as can be, I didn't think about it.  Luckily, Natalie caught me and said "mommy, you're not supposed to eat!"

Fast day 14

Only one week to go!

Today was a good day.  Mike and I went car shopping and didn't fight all day.  We even found some cars worth considering. 

The kids were with Kelly, and while she didn't tell on them, I have a feeling they were giving her a hard time. 

It was difficult when Mike brought his food in the car, and when they started busting open the Girl Scout cookies.  Now I have to cook dinner.  I hate cooking dinner because if the kids don't eat it, usually I would, but I can't so the food just goes to waste.

I called Jenny Craig today.  I didn't lose as much weight as I anticipated when I started, but I did lose some and I want to build on it.  Maybe losing weight is the way to fix my family and marriage.  As I thin down, I get more energy and my depression level drops.

As for Mike getting saved, and the diabetes, that's in God's hands.  Only God can touch Mike's heart enough to bring him in to His family, and all I can do is pray.

The diabetes, I can help with money for organizations for a cure, and maybe even volunteer this year.  But only science can solve that problem with God's divine help.

In the upcoming weeks, my house will be filled with cookies.  I also have a surprise in store for Mike, more on that later just in case he reads this. 

Today, life is good.  I hope it doesn't mean I'm on my way up to a manic episode...

Fast day 13

Today Jeremy was up all night sick, so was I.  Today I have to help Kelly run the cookie cupboard.  After last nights coughing and tonights Jeremy sick, plus that I haven't eaten in 2 weeks, I am not firing on all cylinders.

I handled the cookie cupboard with no problems. I moved boxes and boxes of cookies.

Finally, the fast saved me! Natalie made some nasty creation in her easy bake oven, which she wanted me to try.  I said "I can't I'm not eating" :)

Tonight I blended a banana, milk, ice and strawberry syrup into a smoothie.  YUM!

Fast day 12

First, don't go grocery shopping when you haven't eaten in 13 days! 

I've been praying today for strength.  It was a hard day for temptation - the kids were eating all my favorite snacks.  First it was cheetos, then popcorn, then I'm standing at the gas pump and there's a picture of donuts.  I needed refreshing, a recharge.  I stood in prayer while the gas flowed. 

In addition to the snacks, Jeremy was especially clingy and whiny today.  It was terrible.

Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Fast day 12

I know I missed a day.  Thursdays are usually spent running around and yesterday was no exception.  I did get in a massage and facial, but I don't know what good it did because I followed it up with couples therapy and that was stress and tears.

I did finally start drinking the Slim Fast instead of just milk, juice and soda.  I felt better right away. 

The therapist asked us to answer some questions.  I woke up at 3:30am with a terrible cough, so I did them.  I think my immune system may be compromised, because I almost never get sick, but that's neither here nor there.

Here are the questions and answers:

Who am I now? – When Mike “checked out” of our relationship I decided I needed to be more independent in case he decided to leave.  I started Celebrate Recovery and discovered a lot about myself, and I think I came out of it a better person.  Plus, as a leader, I was respected for more than just my ability to get gunk off of dishes, or clean up the living room in two minutes.  I was using my brain, my education, and people liked me.  I have never felt like my input mattered to Mike, sometimes I still feel that way.  After I quit working at CR because of my mental status, I have been striving to find that again.  I joined the Bunco group, I’ve found something I can do for the church from home, and I have increased my presence in the Girl Scout area.  So now, Mike has come back.  I went from being ignored to being criticized for finding my own life.  I would love for this life to include Mike.  It’s why I didn’t leave 8 months ago when I wanted to.  But, I am a different person, and I want this new person to be loved for who I am not expected to change back.  The woman I was – dependent on Mike for my self-esteem and my only connection to the outside world – had to, in a way, die.  Now I think I’m a better person, if you’re willing to get to know me.

What is important or valuable in my life? – First of all my faith.  I need to maintain the relationship with the church, continue going to church, and raise my children that way.  Second my children.  They are special in a way other kids aren’t.  They require more care and concern than other kids.  Also, they give me love in a way no one has, or does.  I can completely mess up and all is forgiven with an apology and a hug.  Third is my husband.  I know he doesn’t think so, but so much of what I do is for him.  Every day (almost) I clean the living room before he comes home so he doesn’t have to “climb into his house”.  I keep the entryway clear, I try to keep most of the counter top clear.  But I have to live here too and I live here 9 hours a day that he doesn’t. Other valuable things:  My Girl Scouts.  I have made a commitment to those girls to be there for them no matter what, and I meant it.  I believe all children should have someone trustworthy outside of their family to turn to for advice and call when in trouble.  I hope one day our kids find that person, right now it’s Kelly.  Making new friends.  Women need friends, especially when married to a man who doesn’t say more than 15 words a day.  Keeping a comfortable, friendly house. Notice I didn’t say it had to be clean.  I would love it to be clean when people come over.  This is why Danielle comes on Friday afternoon – so the house will be freshly cleaned Friday night, Saturday and sometimes even Sunday.  But I am not embarrassed if you “pop” in and see that we live in our house.  One of my new favorite songs is “Dirty Dishes” because it describes exactly how I feel. 

What do I value in a marriage? – I don’t want to be single.  I want someone to tag team the children, do the dishes when I’ve had a depression day, change the laundry, listen to me vent and not try to fix it, remember my birthday and Christmas and take the kids out so they can buy their silly little gifts, watch TV with me when I need to just veg out and talk to me when I have an opinion, even if it isn’t his.  I want a teammate, a companion.  So I guess I want help, listening without criticizing, consideration of my feelings and needs, and a mental sparring partner.

What do I need? – 1. Respect, I need to feel like he respects what I do for the family and outside the family. 2. Consideration, I need to feel like he thinks of me when he’s not home.  If he doesn’t think of me once in a while, who is he thinking of? 3. Love, but not dictated in how I should feel it or show it. 4. Affection, but outside of the bedroom and not always sexual – I no longer like to be randomly felt up or pinched – I’m not a pillow.  Every time I try to show any affection – a hug, a quick kiss, a smile – don’t immediately grab my ass.

What am I willing to give? – everything.  When I feel loved and appreciated, I will put everything I am into the marriage, but that also means that sometimes I have to get away from the family.  No one can be mom 24/7/365.  I will give respect, consideration and love back to a man who gives them to me.  This is why I can be so loving with the kids, even at my lowest. 

Later today I am taking Jeremy to the doctor to have his hearing checked, then the dermatologist to have some warts removed.  God give me strength for whatever comes.

Fast day 10

Got up this morning and helped receive the delivery of 18,000 boxes of cookies.  We didn't have to do anything, but we got 12,000 more than expected, so it took some figuring out.  After an hour and a half, I couldn't count or do math right. 

Just now, I went to leave a message with our phone number and I transposed numbers.  I'm at the half way point, 11 days to go. 

2:52 - my brain won't work.  I needed Mike to do something, and I forgot within 20 minutes.  I got 2 Dr. Peppers out and opened them, then put them on my table, not realizing I had 2.

Fast day 9

Easier day today, I didn't eat the tortilla in the morning, and I didn't get as hungry.

I also replaced my diet soda with real today.  And, I figured out that milk is the most filling, so I'm going to pick up some shakes, either Slim Fast or Ensure. 

I did notice that my energy level is a little down and my focus is nil.  My typing sucks too :).

 

Fast day 8

One week down, 2 to go. 

I had a tortilla with my pills last night, still a little queasy, but it could have been the fact I had food for the first time. 

I tried it again this morning, I feel better.  I didn't even have to finish the tortilla. 

I'm so tired today, wanting to crash today.

3:30 I'm hungry because I'm tired and I'm tired because I'm hungry.  The kids are both right in my face because Elizabeth won't go downstairs and Jeremy is jealous that she's here. 

I can't focus on anything, I keep losing my place and forgetting what I'm supposed to be doing.  I['m going to buy some real soda with sugar and caffeine.  Its not the best nutrition, but it will help me get through the day.  Right now the diet root beer just ain't hacking it.

I'm sitting here watching hoarding, and in this lady I see myself.  Her daughter is chasing her around her crowded house yelling momma momma, be reasonable.  I can't stand the thought of that being me and Natalie someday.  But how do I stop it?  When I have to get rid of my stuff, I feel like I'm throwing out a little bit of me.  But no one cares.  I gave up my books this week, something that matters to me a lot.  But I still keep so much in my "buckets" just like she has. 

Fast day 7

Last night I got sick after I took my pills.  This has been happening since the beginning, but it's getting worse.  Tomorrow I'm going to give in and try eating just a little something bread like when I take the pills.

Fast day 6

Skating today, lots of running around, answering questions, a little roller skating, and watching them all eat potato chips and doritos and cookies without me. 

The cool thing is I'm starting to notice it's not bothering me as much.  I'm hoping this continues.

I've also thought that maybe I've put my prayers out of order.  If I continue to pray earnestly for Mike to be saved, things could change in our family and my marriage.  The kids will then grow in God with both our examples.  As for the cure, that's all on God and His timing. 

Fast day 5

16 days to go.  This morning I was praying.  We were fighting, and I was asking God if this was how He was going to fix my marriage and family, or if it was the enemy coming against us because He was going to fix us for the better. 

I've been cleaning all day, it's hard with not enough calories.  Plus Jeremy keeps messing up the room as soon as I'm done cleaning it.  I'm so frustrated!

Fast day 4

I ran errands today, starting at the asthma doctor.  Our appointment was at 10:45, they saw us at 12:00 and we left at 1:15. 

Then we headed down to the Girl Scout offices for some stuff there.  Jeremy (and I) was starving, so I stopped at McDonalds - then realized that I didn't have my wallet and thus no money.

What's a resourseful mom to do?  Open the trunk, look at what I bought at Sams, find some poptarts and juice, and BINGO! Lunch.

I had two bottles of fruit punch and felt much better.

Fast Day 3

Day 3, and I'm really hungry today. 

Today is the 90th anniversary of the development of insulin.  Before insulin, children diagnosed with Type 1 were given on average 11 months.  It kills me to think of my little girl, at 2 1/2, not having the valuable medicine that keeps her alive every day.

But still, insulin injections are only a stop gap.  And no matter how many advancements there are in pumping and testing, its only life support until they find a way to replace the cells on Natalie's pancreas. 

This is why I'm asking God for a cure for diabetes this year.  Not just for us, but for all the families who struggle with this disease. 


I'm losing about 2 pounds per day.  I know fasting isn't about that, but I could afford to lose 42 pounds, so maybe that's God's bonus.

PS - Natalie, Jeremy and Mike are having Papa Murphy's for dinner.  My favorite.  The smell is everywhere! 

Why fast?

First of all, our church does a campus wide 21 days of prayer and fasting every January.  The reason behind this is, just like you give God the first 10% of your tithe, you should give God the first of your year.  Each year we have a theme, this year using the verse Ephesians 3:20 – Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us.  So they said to make big requests to God and trust that it will happen.  My prayers are: fix my family, fix my marriage, let the kids grow in God, let Mike find salvation and a CURE for diabetes.

Fasting must center on God.  The purpose of a spiritual fast is to focus upon and worship God.  It should draw us closer to God, where we experience a deeper relationship with Him.  So, when I feel hungry, it makes me remember what I am doing and why.  I have also been reading the Bible daily, and making sure to pray regularly. 

There is no Biblical commandment to fast, but many men in the Bible fasted.  In Matthew 6:16 Jesus says “and whenever you fast, do not put on a gloomy face as the hypocrites do”.  This insinuates that he expects us to fast. 

As for me, the reason I am doing this kind of extreme fast is that when they began talking about it in December God immediately told me that this was what I was supposed to do.  I fought it at first, thinking that it would be too much of a hardship.  But, the fast is a sign of my faith, and it shows God that I believe He can do what I ask.  If I fail it doesn’t mean He will.  I am human.  But I can do my best. 

Fast day 2

WOW! I was hungry last night!  I woke up in the middle of the night and my stomach was growling.  But I held out, and just turned over and went back to sleep.

This morning I had chocolate milk for breakfast.  I was making cereal for Natalie and Jeremy and out of habit I put some in my mouth.  I spit it right back out.  This is where I have to watch myself.  I can skip the meals, but I have to be careful not to snack during cooking/fixing food.

Lunchtime, I've been nursing a soda all morning, but I may need to have some juice soon for some calories...

12:30 - I'm feeling a little tired today. Yesterday a little earlier than this I was having problems with my right arm shaking uncontrollably. It could have been lack of calories or it could have been my new medicine. If it comes back I'll call the Dr.

2:00 - just took Jeremy to the park, the sunshine did me good and I brought my bottle with juice in it. But the farther I get into my day, the more tired I get.  I think tomorrow I'm going to keep closer track on my calories and make sure I take in at least 800.  I don't mind losing weight, but not if I have to sleep through the month.  And I can't pray and study if I'm asleep.

7:00 end of the day.  We took the kids to Gunther Toody's for dinner and I had to sit there and drink Dr. Pepper.  It was very hard to do.  Plus, I'm getting short tempered.

I just have to remember, I'm asking for big things, I need to make a big statement.

Fast Day 1

12:00 I have decided to participate in my church's 21 days of prayer and fasting.  I have decided to fast from food, drinking only liquids for 3 weeks. 

Three times today I've gone into the kitchen for lunch.  Each time I remember and turn around.  I'm beginning to see how difficult this will be.

But the things I'm asking God for are big and it means that I have to make a big commitment.  I'm asking for an improvement in my family, that my kids will grow in God this year, and for a CURE for diabetes. 

I'm also reading the One Year Bible, most of the time with the kids.  I have an app that reads each section to us in the car.  It's so cool to share the Bible with your kids for the first time.  They ask the best questions, recognize the stories we all learned in Sunday School. 

Day 1 is halfway done, and I'm holding strong.

4:30 Every time I crave food, I try to remember to pray.  This how I always understood fasting.  Its tough when I have to make food for the kids.  Earlier I had to make lunch for Jeremy.  Usually I just eat his crusts, today I had to remember to toss them.  Tonight I'll have to run through a drive thru for dinner, it will be difficult not to order. 

Another annoying side effect - multiple bathroom trips...