I did finally start drinking the Slim Fast instead of just milk, juice and soda. I felt better right away.
The therapist asked us to answer some questions. I woke up at 3:30am with a terrible cough, so I did them. I think my immune system may be compromised, because I almost never get sick, but that's neither here nor there.
Here are the questions and answers:
Who am I now? – When Mike “checked out” of our relationship I decided I needed to be more independent in case he decided to leave. I started Celebrate Recovery and discovered a lot about myself, and I think I came out of it a better person. Plus, as a leader, I was respected for more than just my ability to get gunk off of dishes, or clean up the living room in two minutes. I was using my brain, my education, and people liked me. I have never felt like my input mattered to Mike, sometimes I still feel that way. After I quit working at CR because of my mental status, I have been striving to find that again. I joined the Bunco group, I’ve found something I can do for the church from home, and I have increased my presence in the Girl Scout area. So now, Mike has come back. I went from being ignored to being criticized for finding my own life. I would love for this life to include Mike. It’s why I didn’t leave 8 months ago when I wanted to. But, I am a different person, and I want this new person to be loved for who I am not expected to change back. The woman I was – dependent on Mike for my self-esteem and my only connection to the outside world – had to, in a way, die. Now I think I’m a better person, if you’re willing to get to know me.
What is important or valuable in my life? – First of all my faith. I need to maintain the relationship with the church, continue going to church, and raise my children that way. Second my children. They are special in a way other kids aren’t. They require more care and concern than other kids. Also, they give me love in a way no one has, or does. I can completely mess up and all is forgiven with an apology and a hug. Third is my husband. I know he doesn’t think so, but so much of what I do is for him. Every day (almost) I clean the living room before he comes home so he doesn’t have to “climb into his house”. I keep the entryway clear, I try to keep most of the counter top clear. But I have to live here too and I live here 9 hours a day that he doesn’t. Other valuable things: My Girl Scouts. I have made a commitment to those girls to be there for them no matter what, and I meant it. I believe all children should have someone trustworthy outside of their family to turn to for advice and call when in trouble. I hope one day our kids find that person, right now it’s Kelly. Making new friends. Women need friends, especially when married to a man who doesn’t say more than 15 words a day. Keeping a comfortable, friendly house. Notice I didn’t say it had to be clean. I would love it to be clean when people come over. This is why Danielle comes on Friday afternoon – so the house will be freshly cleaned Friday night, Saturday and sometimes even Sunday. But I am not embarrassed if you “pop” in and see that we live in our house. One of my new favorite songs is “Dirty Dishes” because it describes exactly how I feel.
What do I value in a marriage? – I don’t want to be single. I want someone to tag team the children, do the dishes when I’ve had a depression day, change the laundry, listen to me vent and not try to fix it, remember my birthday and Christmas and take the kids out so they can buy their silly little gifts, watch TV with me when I need to just veg out and talk to me when I have an opinion, even if it isn’t his. I want a teammate, a companion. So I guess I want help, listening without criticizing, consideration of my feelings and needs, and a mental sparring partner.
What do I need? – 1. Respect, I need to feel like he respects what I do for the family and outside the family. 2. Consideration, I need to feel like he thinks of me when he’s not home. If he doesn’t think of me once in a while, who is he thinking of? 3. Love, but not dictated in how I should feel it or show it. 4. Affection, but outside of the bedroom and not always sexual – I no longer like to be randomly felt up or pinched – I’m not a pillow. Every time I try to show any affection – a hug, a quick kiss, a smile – don’t immediately grab my ass.
What am I willing to give? – everything. When I feel loved and appreciated, I will put everything I am into the marriage, but that also means that sometimes I have to get away from the family. No one can be mom 24/7/365. I will give respect, consideration and love back to a man who gives them to me. This is why I can be so loving with the kids, even at my lowest.
Later today I am taking Jeremy to the doctor to have his hearing checked, then the dermatologist to have some warts removed. God give me strength for whatever comes.
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